I’m tired of it all, I’m tired of being overwhelmed by my family for the things that I do or the things that I have going on in my life. The most recent gem being that I’m nothing more than a screw up and that’s why my last serious relationship (1.5 years, to E.S.) ended the way it did – funny how she keeps coming up, but more on that later. My stepdad was the one who ranted about this, and it never fails to get a rise out of me, because they said that they didn’t want to know anything about what happened while I was living in Pittsburgh. It seems that they didn’t want to know because they just wanted to make up their own assumptions about why it ended. It seems like they have no idea (and don’t want to have an idea) about what happened up there. This got furthered (the notion that I’m a screw up) by him saying that because I couldn’t find work, I was being lazy. I was looking and had been every night, five applications a night, for six months – with no results. I’m still getting emails about those applications now that it’s been more than six months – just reaffirming that either I’m lazy or I’ve screwed everything up too badly to fix it.
So for the last three times that I’ve worked with him, I’ve heard nothing but how much of a screw up I am. The thing is, I think I’m starting to believe him about it too. I’m beginning to seriously think that I am a screw up or maybe I’m just overwhelmed with all of this crap… I don’t know, I really don’t – I’m lost and I don’t have a direction to go with this… Chaotic whirlwind we’re all caught up in… The last time I worked with him was Sunday and all I heard was a litany about how much of a screw up I am. I spent the rest of the time he wasn’t carrying on contemplating going off on him after we got off and were headed back to my mom’s house (which is where I was staying while I was working with him). I mean it’s all been stacking up and culminating, one of these days I’m just going to explode – which will be bad business for everyone involved. Now you’re thinking that it’s going to be something illegal which I can assure you it’s not. It’s just going to be some epic ranting and probable arguments. I can’t deal with the constant stream of “Something something you’re a screw up…” (sic) it just begins to wear at my nerves, getting to the point where I start to believe it. I think this is called a conditioned response (?), the response where you hear something enough times and start to believe it. Maybe it could be called Stockholm Syndrome, but that just super dramatic and totally attention-seeking. I’m not sympathizing with my stepdad in any way, shape, or form when I’m told this, but you just have to think it over and realize that my self-esteem isn’t as high as you would think. I’m not that sarcastic bastard I like to profess that I am. I’m quite the opposite really, I’m just a scared, rather listless, young man with no purpose.
So here we are post Valentines’ Day and I have come to realize that I really don’t give a shit about it. It’s a highly commercialized “holiday” and even the basic notion is rooted in money. I’ve also come to realize that these people who complain about being single or “#foreveralone” more than usual on this particular day, should be thrown off a bridge into an abyss filled with all of the cold facts that they can’t grasp. It seems like people always want to complain about being single… Just stop. OK? Just stop with it, nobody wants to hear you complain about how sad you are that you don’t have a date, because you can’t grow a pair and approach her (or him). I’ll go one farther by saying that if you’re going to come to me with that, I’m going to say (as politely as I can) “Shut up, get out there and do something about it. Nobody wants to hear you complain.” There’s no legitimate reason to prevent you from approaching someone and asking them to have coffee with you (I know that sounds horribly cliché, but it works). I’d like to toss out a nod at a friend of mine, whose hung up on his abusive ex “Get the hell over her.” because she’s not good for you. “No, you know what? Don’t get over her, let it drown you. It’s probably for the best.
Regarding E.S. – that relationship ended when I caught her flirting with her one time boyfriend from her early high school days. Before you can run your mouth this was before I adopted my new, slightly less than reputable morals – which you’re going to frown at – I know. Anyway she was flirting with him for months and sleeping around at her school (Robert Morris University) all the way until the week I came up there – even lying to me on a few occasions about it. She went up to Acme PA (which is a real place, I had to Google it just to be sure) to see a friend of hers (not the guy), while she was there she ended up getting drunk and having sex with some dude named Conrad. Shortly after or immediately before she ended up breaking up with me – expecting me to stick around and have sex with her “as a friend” until I moved out. She even asked that I “stay friends” with her – which is obscene to the highest degree, it’s almost like staying friends with your kidnappers after they’ve gotten your ransom. She was beyond miffed when that finally sunk in, but yet she still wanted to have sex with me, even though I basically equated her to nothing. Oh well, who am I to complain free pussy? I mean sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s good. She couldn’t (or wouldn’t) suck me off – which is funny in retrospect, maybe that would have done her some good… I mean it’s probably the only skill she has, since she’s a failure at pretty much everything. How can I make a call like that? I was there for a year, more or less as an observer. Shut up and deal with it.
Fun fact: the chick I was talking to from OKCupid is named Emily, so is the crazy ex up in PA – and they both have epilepsy. It’s funny because I thought the universe was trying to give me a second chance to at least do right by someone else with this. Turns out that OKC Emily ended up going in another direction – I’m OK with this, and I’m not going to let it tear me up like it did (friend-zoning) a friend of hers. I stuck my head into the middle of that for a moment one time for a few nights and then walked away from it like it was nothing, not my problem, don’t give enough of a damn to do anything about it.
What happened to the cynical bastard full of blistering rants and firey diatribes? Did he finally get overcome by the same trivial tropes of everyday life? Did he finally give up speaking out of against those tropes? What happened to him? Nobody knows, least of all himself. He suspects that he’s still that cynical blistering bastard, but he hasn’t seen anything worth provoking him to action in a long time. Nothing that was worthy of the diatribes of an outspoken and opiniated young man has been seen in a long time. I don’t know what to think of the world anymore, maybe I’ve finally matured past the point of cynical young bastard and into the realm of being a mildy depressed young man with nothing to do with his life. I don’t know what’s gotten into me any more. I mean it’s not like there’s plenty of fodder for the ranting, but I don’t have it in me any more, nothing to say about all of the shitty tropes and obvious bullshit that I’ve seen.
I wish I knew about a fix for this, but sadly it seems like there might be nothing out there to help me. Yeah I know that’s almost a cliche these days, but for fucks’ sake I wish there was something out there to fire me up back into firing out blistering rants and blistering words. I guess there’s nothing, why do I even bother trying anymore? Maybe I should let the cynical writer in me go ahead and fade away into the grey oblivion of ashes and desolation where he finally belongs, it seems like I stared into The Abyss for too long and now I’m sitting here defeated and broken. I guess it’s true you know, what that one guy said about staring at The Abyss, you see yourself.
(On a semi-related note: it’s funny I got called pretentious for having an opinion on what that means “The longer you stare into The Abyss, it stares back at you.”)
I have come to realize that I’m tired of one night stands, the few chicks I’ve had sex with were basically one night stands and we were friends up until those nights – now those chicks don’t talk to me. It’s almost as if they just wanted to have sex and then ditch me once they scratched their itch, is it bad that I’m scared of intimacy and kind of put off by the concept of being around a woman only to have sex with her casually? Have I finally hit the point where I WANT a serious relationship? I mean I know my last serious relationship was with E.S. but here I am a year and some change later, looking at my track record and wondering what is going on here. Maybe it’s just my karma, for everything that went wrong to be sitting here examining my life – looking back at all the decisions that have led me here. Meaningless and without purpose – one could argue that I’m too hard on myself, but who isn’t extremely hard on themselves? I mean when you think about it, I’m just as broken as the next person I know. What did I do to deserve this? Was it something I did wrong somewhere? Was it someone I pissed off at the wrong time? Does the universe have something greater in mind for me? What’s the purpose of life, if you don’t truly LIVE TO YOUR POTENTIAL? I know I’m not, even though there are people out there who would argue that my impact on them has probably for the better.
I don’t know, I think it’s funny how this post became more of a probably overly dramatic ramble, than a coherent thought – isn’t that the only thing I do anymore? I can’t think of the last time I actually gave someone decent advice on how to deal with something. I mean the closest I’ve come is… No wait, that doesn’t even count – neither of the two situations that came to mind do. I was playing the devil’s advocate for no reason other than pure malice and it went sideways exactly at the right angle I wanted it to. The other, well was a snowball in a firestorm, ineffective and equally as unimportant.
It’s funny I claim to be good at giving other people a look at reality, such as it were, but yet I can’t do that for myself. Clearly I’m broken and nobody reads my Tumblr, so again, what’s the point of even posting this? Maybe I should post it to /r/offmychest and let them downvote me until I die – which is what happened the last time I posted something there.
I genuinely hate people as a whole, and I agree with one of the few people I’ve ever willingly met from a website – people deserve every iota of hate you can give them. I guess with so much hate pumping into the universe like that, it’s only fair that the spigots of that hate get whats coming to them. Maybe I should clam up and stop talking to people, like my sort of penpal in England did, he just shut the fuck up for three straight years and didn’t say a word to anybody. Maybe I should give that a whack and see where it leads me…
I think I’m finally done.
tl;dr no fuck you, read it.
Idiot-Genius Signing Off